Playtrek Limericks!

In late 2003, Playtrek had a fun limerick contest, with prizes going to all participants. Hilarity ensued. Below are the results.

“I’m going home!” C. Apple said with a screech
“Ol’ Virginny is now within reach”
Now thrilled to hysteria,
Gone from Iowan Siberia
Now he surfs not the web, but the beach.
A tribute to Playtrek, my dear
So much to tell, every year
In nineteen ninety seven
Begins virtual toy fan heaven
Cost plus shipping is here!
Although I access my computer in mips
I can't keep track of all my purchasing trips
and tho I access with PADDs
all I can say is E-gads
As my collection inventory fills two iso-linear chips
As a collector I can't justify my antics
A frenzy of spending and hoarding and E-bay panics
And while Star Trek's no longer in fashion
I feel no reduction in passion
It's a definite paradox of temporal mechanics...
At Quark's in December two thousand and one
Playtrekfest Vegas has just begun
So let's have a beer
With cross dressin' Bashir
And thanks to Joe for arranging the fun
Deluxe Mayweather is want we all want to get
cause it would so nicely complete the bridge set.
But figure sales have so far declined
that Art Asylum has changed their mind
So we're now stuck with no helm, frustrated and upset.
Eggler has plenty a quirk,
He favors the old Captain Kirk,
If you give him Picard,
He’ll bitch really hard,
And pine for the talent-less jerk.
   Winner: Best Aimed at Eggler catagory
Even though Eggler’s no Erik Estrada
He’s a player in the democratic armada
But his co-workers freaked,
His name on Google they seeked
And there was Bina doing a wicked lambada
   Winner: Best Aimed at a Playtrekker catagory
   Winner: Best Aimed at Eggler catagory
First, the limited figure Picard
left me emotionally scarred.
‘oh my!’ ‘it was… fun.’
to have had every one;
now my collection is permanently marred.

Then the limited figure of Yar
again had us hunt near and far.
It turned some collectors
into Playmates defectors,
wishing THEY had been smothered in tar.
   Winner: Best Star Trek Toy Related catagory

For Melissa Perry, a gal who’s a Peach,
Trek collecting has been reduced to a niche
While dressed warm in it’s snuggies
Li’l Perry fills up it’s Huggies
Melissa yells, “We’ve got a warp core breach!!”
Hello my name is Tim
And I'm going out on a limb
I loved the Playmate toys
Because they gave me so much joy
Now they are gone and my life is dim

Now Art Asylum is here
You can't buy them anywhere near
They look so cool
To pass them up you'd be a fool
Boy do I need a beer
   Winner: Participation Award catagory

Here's my challenge to all
To add tales you recall
Contests and dates
Playtrek moments of great
Fond memories please post for us all
I could debate the merits of Trek,
But compared to B5, it’s a wreck
Give me the Narn and Centauri,
The Drazi, Vorlons, and Minbari,
Because Enterprise is totally dreck
I don't think I'm willing to pay,
The prices they charge on E-Bay.
Good thing Playtrek exists,
I will post all my want lists
And again, some kind soul saves the day!
I had also wanted to see more
Playmates figures from the Dominion War:
Admiral Ross, Martok, Kai Wynn
Weyoun, the Founder, the Breen
Cassiday Yates, Ensign Nog, and Damar.
In California lives Playtreker Rei
Whose name rhymes with "private eye"
It was with just cause
He pointed out my faux pas
As Chris is one hell of a guy
In December of ninety nine
Clearance heaven was mine
I rolled out the door
Target exclusives galore
Custom fodder, truly divine!
In nineteen ninety eight
January third was the date
The grand opening
Of the experience scene
Las Vegas it was great!
In Playtrek California is Chris Rei
A CPA in the entertainment industry
Beyond Star Trek he thrives
On Baby-a- lon Five
A fine toy to collect, I must agree
In Playtrek Maryland lives Joan
A great TOS fan of Bones
She's also ImdeadJim
Yet this is not grim
An expression of wit with a groan :-)
In Playtrek Wisconsin there is Dean
Whose trek childhood we have seen*
Every year he's our host
For Toys for Tots that we post
Kind of heart, virtual Santa Dean.
It seem Bill Eggler never wins,
They keep making Picards for his sins,
He can rant and can rave
Too many Picards from his grave,
It's punishment so send Hillary's pins.
Melissa does more working than play
T'was at a security seminar today
Her message was spoofed
Not her ISP's goof
But an email imposter's foray....
Melissa emailed a limerick to please
And took care to hit send with ease
but her computer was geeked
and her ISP freaked
so it posted to the list in threes
Michael buys toys 'til he's dizzy,
But when FedEx arrives, he's too busy,
His knickers in a twist,
I need service! he insists,
And unloads on the rep with a tizzy.
Michael paid big bucks to Unobtanium,
Expecting perfection at a minimum,
Then he beat on his chest,
Nearing cardiac arrest,
When the company went into oblivion
Michael posts to the group when he's pissed,
'bout a new Rittenhouse card he just missed,
he pounds out his posts,
on the companies he roasts,
It's OK, calm down, we get the gist.
Mike H. often goes spastic,
Vowing to do something drastic,
But I think that this member
Would do well to remember,
Christ, they're only small hunks of plastic!
   Winner: Most Humorous catagory
Mint-on-Card or To Open I do ponder
But pristine mint within plastic I find fonder
Is it toy, or is it art?
With variations to fill a cart
My kids inheritance on these toys I do squander
Mr. Apple's an interesting guy,
Always has a punchline on the fly,
He’s jolly and cool,
But nobody’s fool,
And his collection would just make you cry.
Mr. Worf, his heart on the shelf
Two wives lost through plotting and stealth
They battled with crazies
Now they’re pushing up daisies
Now he must “polish the Bat’leth” himself
   Winner: Most Humorous catagory
Newforce comics is the best place,
For your toy collecting home base,
His prices are right,
He ships overnight,
And the box brings a smile to your face.
Obsessed with new toys from Asylum
So many I just toss and pile 'em
The closets are full
And this is no bull
On sale, I can't help but buy them
Once there were Barclay, Yar, and Picard,
Finding these guys was particularly hard,
Rarely found on the peg,
You spent an arm and a leg
The sinister plan of a corporate retard
   Winner: Best Star Trek Toy Related catagory
Playmates Inc set a trap to ensnare us
“Buy our toys and we‘ll not embarrass”
They promised to make the main crews
According to Mara’s good news,
Then they screwed us with PJs on Paris
Playtrek once had a contest for limerick
And Clint wanted to post some off topic
Roberto said it wouldn't be wise
'Cause it won't win you a prize
Yet it's okay if you behave quixotic
Playtreker Kelly's a slacker
Who makes Lego toys with a lacquer*
She wrote a great book**
By hook or by crook
And that's why they call her Uslacker
   Winner: Best Aimed at a Playtrekker catagory
Playtrekkers of the Month share the joy
when they go above and beyond for that toy
from Australia, conventions
fast food meals, close-out bins
Earning our thanks and an "All Good Things" Troi
   Winner?: Best Playtrek Related catagory
Rene Bousquet has a jpeg or two,
For the rest of us here to get a clue,
The enormity of his sites,
Impresses me to new heights,
But who gives a f&@k if the weapons are blue?
Riddle me this about Andy,
His knowledge of toys is quite handy,
But when alone with his fowl,
He needs use of a towel,
‘Cuz with that duck he tends to get randy
Roberto asked us to write down a verse
for the sake of bandwidth keep it terse
relate it to toys
like good girls and boys,
hell this should win the prize for the worst.
   Winner: Best Playtrek Related catagory
Roberto is our grand Playtrekker king,
Would give his eye teeth to hear Jeff Lynne sing,
Compared with Sleestak and Chaka,
Enterprise is pure caca,
But he sure likes to do that PlayTrek thing.
   Winner?: Best Aimed at a Playtrekker catagory
Roddenberry is "gobe" he noted.
In Klingon I thought he had quoted.
In wondering why,
I realized with a cry.
When using Web TV spelling is coded!
Star Trek V, The Final Frontier
In Special Edition is released this year
I recoil just a bit
Two discs full of s#!t
Would go better in Bill Shatner’s rear!
   Winner: Most Humorous catagory
Target and Wal-Mart are bare.
The cashier just gives me a stare.
You know what I mean,
She's sexy and green,
I've looked but those Vina's aren't there!
The figures I've bought at the store,
Are stored in boxes galore,
Though Playmates is gone,
My collecting goes on,
And AA has made me buy more.
The figures sure disappear quick.
The scalpers sure have a good schtick.
Through the toy aisles I walk,
Where the collectors all stalk,
I guess I'll just buy them from Rick.
The Playmates figures are dead
Their katras have gone on ahead.
But thanks to AA
We continue to play...
And my bank balance stays in the red.
   Winner: Best Star Trek Toy Related catagory
The story of Roberto our Rex,
a fellow from the south a true Tex,
Now Patty his wife
almost ended his life,
You buy one more toy no more SEX!
There was a trekker named Chuck
who at work drove a Western white truck.
His wife to the root
almost gave him the boot,
you buy one more toy boy you're f---.
There was a young man named Ted,
Went to college to fill up his head,
His career was a race,
To get into space,
But he wound up in Uranus instead.
There once was a collector named Freddy
Who for trek toys with money was ready.
Until one night his wife,
Took out a big knife,
After that he was rather unsteady.
There once was a communications officer named Hoshi
Who came from a town called Kirayoshi.
But then Michael came along
And got her name wrong
So everyone shouted, "Her name is not TOSHI!"
There once was a company named Playmates
Which every Playtrekker now berates
It sure did annoy
When they made a limited toy
It's a practice that everyone now sure hates
There once was a group named Playtrek
Who watched as the franchise became a train wreck
Alias but they would post
Because of their fabulous host
For without Roberto there would be no Playtrek
   Winner: Best Playtrek Related catagory
There once was a guy name of Apple,
And if you asked the Playtrekker papple,
I think you would find
(At least in his mind)
He's screwed every crewwoman but Chapel!
   Winner: Best Aimed at a Playtrekker catagory
There once was a limerick or two
about Playtrek and and all that we do
But Star Trek in verse?
It could have been worse,
like a sonnet, an ode, or haiku
There once was a lurker named mark
Who finally came out of the dark
He said with a smile
Been here quit awhile
I just now decided to hark
There once was a man named Jim Garber
Who made buying Trek toys so much harder
Tried to make Picard fun
When he said "I'll make 1701!"
In the process he became Playmates' martyr
There once was a new Playtrekker named Mark
Go to! he would bark
On his site, put a song
Some would say it's all wrong
So he decried, "It was only a lark!"
   Winner: Best Aimed at a Playtrekker catagory
There once was a Playtreker based in Florida
whose service and deals would please ya
Rick will gladly ship right away
any toy like Newforce Janeway
just don't ask him about that girl Martika.
There once was a Playtreker named Andrew
whose Playtrekfest visit might make you blue
for he would play with and pose
all your trek figures with no clothes
until they'd break and need crazy glue.
There once was a Playtreker named Andy
Whose marketing skills came in handy
He made us all shirts
On prenumbered inserts
And his Playtrek Duck is a dandy
There once was a Playtreker named Mellisa Perry
whose antics would make you so merry
For she'd play and pose
Star Trek dolls in Barbie clothes.
Sisko looks good in a dress that's red as a cherry.
There once was a Playtreker who searched a store for a toy.
He pushed and knocked over every little girl and boy.
There he found hanging fresh minty on card
was yet another figure of Captain Picard.
So Bill Eggler simply murmered "Oh Joy".
There once was a Playtrekker exotic
Whose behavior was often neurotic
He did strange things, I fear
Like stick them way up his rear
And enjoyed it as something erotic
There once was a PlayTrekker named Heinz.
When not getting his toys he wheinz.
Venting his distaste
with utter haste.
Let's hope most of us don't mind.
   Winner: Best Playtrek Related catagory
There once was a Playtrekker named Ian
He fancied himself a blue Andorian
He's just an Aussie fellow
Who's now turnin' yellow
'Cause all over his uniform he's peein'
There once was a Playtrekker named Rick
Hearing "Toy Soldier" made his groin tick
She was a young mousketeer
Made him grin ear to ear
When she proceeded to suck on his d**k
There once was a Roberto the king,
to events a brisket he'd bring.
He enjoyed ELO,
but whats stranger ya know,
collecting Trek toys was his thing!
   Winner: Participation Award catagory
There once was a Spock who kept secret
what good little Playtrekkers would get
for their holiday gifts
were rarely misfits
all thanks to Doug Meacham I bet.
There once was a trekker named Dave
Who became an action figure slave
He bought Star Trek figures galore
As he traveled from store to store
But now he can only rant and rave
There once was a trekker named Kel
whose Star Trek Collection did swell.
She tried to amass
all Star Trek toys to the last
but to her roommate it was but toy hell.
There once was a young man named Andy,
who's talent with toys was very handy.
The toys he would pose
but all that this shows,
is Andy is really quite ramy.
There once was a young man named Andy,
who's talent with toys was very handy.
The toys he would pose
but all that this shows,
is Andy is really quite ramy.
there once was an episode called "tapestry"
which showcased Q in all his majesty
but when the time came for toys to be done
there were made only 1701
and the whole situation became a crapestry
   Winner: Participation Award catagory
There was a action figure named Kirk
The other figures thought him a jerk
He said I don`t care
Make fun of my hair
Without me you would be out of work
   Winner: Most Humorous catagory
There was a young man for New York
In politics was where he did work
With trek toys he would play
All night and all day
But mention Picard and he would get torqued
   Winner: Best Aimed at Eggler catagory
There was once a collector named Eggler,
Playtrek's resident heckler,
Who often each day,
Had something pithy to say,
Hmm. . .don't know how to end this exectler.
   Winner?: Best Aimed at Eggler catagory
There was once a Playtreker who did nothing but complain.
It drove everyone else on the mailing list insane.
Til one day someone finally got tough
and declared that enough was enough
and told him to start using his brain.*
There was once a PlayTrekker named Dave
Who had a dead whore in a cave
She was missing one tit
and Smelled like shit
But look at the money he saved.
Twas an actress named Genevieve Bujold
Whose performance in “Coma” was pure gold
But when doing Janeway
She worked but one day
“Out the airlock” was what she was told!
Two sets of Playtrekkers did feud,
Exchanged insults unbearably rude,
About whether to open
Or leave cards unbroken,
World War III then ensued.
   Winner: Best Playtrek Related catagory
We Playtrekkers will never forget
the Playmates figures we did not get:
no Ezri or Wedding Daxes,
9” Quark or Belanna Torres
to complete our ‘main characters’ set.
There once was a post about Galactica
It landed with such an impactica
A entire country defamed
The extinguishing of a sure-to-be flame
Was promptly handled by Dasdasa
There was a gay lad from Seattle
Who was not a stranger to battle
renew my subscription he said
but their phone lines went dead
and off with his money they skidattled
A "breaking the rules" haiku entry...

Mailbox is Empty
No Star Trek Fan Mag Today
Can you say Bankrupt?

Insert your limerick (or haiku) here

Limericks written for Playtrek's own Mysterious Benefactor

Platyrek's Mysterious Benefactor, aka Secret Sloane, has been kind enough to supply Trek goodies for various Playtrek contests over the years, including the prizes for this very Limerick contest. As a simple way of saying 'thanks', here's some limericks just for him.

Belated thanks to mysterious Benefactor
Recognition is not the determining factor
Unlike a ham captain named Kirk
Playtrek's benefactor is no jerk
Thanks a lot mysterious benefactor
Playtrek has our own Secret Sloane
A benevolent soul he has shown
If he has a Trifold Borg
And it's not dead in the morgue
Perhaps he'll give it as a loan
As a benefactor, he is mysterious
And with contests he will query us
For all Playtrek girls and boys
He provides prizes and toys
And leaves everyone feeling delirious
While the long list of prizes was generous,
Our benefactors remain anonymous
Playtrekkers rhymed with glee
And would have done it for free,
Color us grateful, every single one of us

Got a new limerick you want to share? Contact the Playtrek Owner address with your limerick and we'll add it to this page!