Playtrek Gazette Vol. 1 Number 4, October 1998 Editor: John Contributors to this Issue: ImdeadJim, T'Pring, Charles, Mr. Atoz, Roberto, John Price: Always Free Contact the Gazette at: playtrek@hotmail.com Boo! Welcome to the spooky Halloween issue of the Playtrek Gazette, full of stories as freaky as the head sculpt on the Tasha Yar figure. As weird as the numerous 9" Bashir and Paris dollies that still haunt the shelves of Targets and TRUs everywhere. As unfathomable as why the Neelix in Starfleet uniform was ever produced. As...well, that's enough. Suffice it to say that you may want to read this with the lights on. As always, our commitment is to bring you the most news possible about the Playmates Toys' Star Trek line, with none of the burden of journalistic objectivity or integrity. Contributions are welcome, and criticisms will be ignored. ******************** TOYS ON RYE Written by ImdeadJim Edited by T'Pring "The lack of Targets and the idiotic behavior of Kaybee employees are once again driving me insane! Is too much to ask for a world in which Star Trek toys are plentiful?" Will writes in his latest e-mail to the Playtrek mailing list. Will sits for a moment in front of his monitor wondering why everyone seems to be so successful in their toy hunts save for him... "Meet Will Eggier," interjects Rod Serling, "He is an average man living in New York. He isn't asking much of life. His passion lies in the simple pleasure of toys: Playmates Star Trek toys. But they are increasingly harder to find. Or are they? Perhaps not in the Twilight Zone." Morning has come and Will begins his 'trek' to the office by stopping at a local deli for a breakfast sandwich and a coffee. As he walked into the familiar building, a young pimple-faced kid asks if he can help him. "Yeah, I'll have the usual." "Here ya go, sir," the kids voice crackled. Will notices the bag is a little lighter, but figures questioning the boy would only cause more stress and confusion than he needed. In the confines of his office, Will peers into the bag and gapes at the neatly wrapped MOC Intendant Kira. But there is no time to ponder this strange event, his boss has just called a meeting. The meeting runs long into the day, and everyone decides to move the conference to a restaurant where they can have dinner. After everyone has been seated and ordered their meals, the meeting continues. Will is so hungry by now that he can barely concentrate on the monotony of the conversation. Will has to stifle a yelp as his plate is set before him. There on the dish is a TnT O'Brien. "Is something wrong, sir?" "What do you THINK??" "Oh, I'm terribly sorry, sir, you wanted your O'Brien with fuzzies." Will flies from his chair and mutters a harried excuse as he runs to the rest room. "Get a hold of yourself, Will. Maybe its the meds you're taking." He says to himself, splashing water on his face over the bathroom sink. He left the meeting with some excuse about a headache. The cool evening air felt good on his face and Will felt himself starting to relax. But as he rounded the corner he found himself drawn into a Target store. Inside, friendly workers take him straight to the toy department where he finds peg upon peg of Star Trek figures. Will runs out of the store only to stumble into a Kaybee where that kid from the deli is waiting with an armload of exclusives. "Hi, Mr. Eggier. Did you enjoy your breakfast this morning? I have your grocery order ready for you." Exhausted and starving, Will staggers home questioning his sanity. Days later in the darkness of his apartment, Will writes his final e-mail to the list, "All I'm asking for is a sandwich, a piece of cheese, or an apple. Is it too much to ask for a world in which food is plentiful?" NOTE: NAMES HAVE BEEN CHANGED TO PROTECT THE NOT SO INNOCENT :) CHRIS DOYLE TO EXPAND COLLECTION TO INCLUDE MORE VARIANTS - Charles Apple Tulsa, OK. Esteemed PlayTrek member Chris Doyle announced this week plans to expand his collection of nine-inch Star Trek figures. Doyle, up to now, has collected only one low-numbered copy of each figure, plus copies of individual variations of each figure. But no longer. "I suddenly woke up around three in the morning," Said Doyle, "and it occurred to me: Each figure out there has a DIFFERENT serial number on the front of the package. Technically, THOSE are variants. So I've just GOT to have them." Doyle is asking all Star Trek collectors to box up their nine-inch collections and send them to him. "Not just one figure; not just a few figures-all of them," said Doyle. He said he won't rest until he has every copy of every Star Trek figure ever made. "This will be difficult, but not impossible," Doyle said. "I'm sure I can count on all my PlayTrek buddies to help." AMITYVILLE HORROR HOUSE, AGAIN - John Amityville. In a shocking case of deja vu, the Amityville Horror house is back in the news. Mr. Frank N. Stine, the most recent occupant of the house, reported strange occurrences happen on a regular basis, but he remains undeterred in his pursuit of home ownership. "Almost as soon as we moved in, we felt things were amiss. At first it was little things: levitating television sets, knives flying from the drawer directly at your head, furniture erupting in flames. Then things got weird. My wife had an extensive collection of dolls, and I have an extensive collection of Star Trek figures. One night we heard a noise out in the living room. It was different from the blood-curdling screams we usually get, so I investigated. When I entered the room, I could plainly see that all the dolls and figures had come to life. Just like in the Puppetmaster movies! At first I thought, 'Cooooool'. Then one of the little dollies stabbed me in the foot with something. Since I had my Louisville Slugger in my hand, I figured 'What the hey'. The evil dollies, with their porcelein heads, were easily smacked to pieces, which didn't hurt my feelings any, since I always thought they were freaky looking. My wife was not too happy about that, until one attacked her. Then she was more than happy to have me smack them around some." "After the evil dollies were dispatched, though, I noticed that my Trek figures weren't attacking me much, since they had alot of trouble holding their little accessories. Plus, a pastel green "agonizer" is more comical then threatening. So I rounded them all up and threw them in a cardboard box. After being in the box for several days, they cooled down to the point where I could reason with them. Now, they are a joy to have around the house, though some house-guests are a little freaked out to see all these little figures running around. Mostly, they are just downright helpful. I made little sponges to fit their hands, and they run around cleaning up the blood oozing from the walls, and chase off the occasional swarms of flies we get. My favorite, though, is the 9" O'Brien figure. I bought 3 extras of him, and they all run around the house fixing things. I haven't had to do a home repair in the longes time!" "The Klingons and Borg figures occasionally get uppity, but they are usually happy if I let them chase me around the house menacingly for several hours each month. After that they are fine. Some of the figures' behavior is a little embarrassing at times. You don't really want to go in the room when the 9" Kirk and Riker dolls invite Dax, Troi and the Barbies and hold their monthly "Vacation on Riza" theme parties once a month, but it's a small price to pay for all the hard work they do around here otherwise." "Unfortunately, some of the figures are just practically useless, though. It's really sad to see the Warp Factor 4 and 5 figures, with their lack of articulation just being able to do almost nothing but stand around. It was really weird, but the prize of my collection, the lifesize Locutus of Borg resin statue that I had gotten as a special anniversary present, suddenly came to life also. He saw the WF 4 and 5 figures just standing there, said "This is pathetic. Reduced articulation is irrelevant. They will be assimilated." He then said goodbye and walked out the door and I haven't seen him since. TINY SOUTH PACIFIC ISLAND TO USE PLAYMATES FIGURES FOR CURRENCY- Charles Apple Narimbutiki, New South Portugese Wales Officials from the International Monetary Fund announced last week that as part of the world-wide effort to shore up the weakened economies of the western Pacific, the small island nation of New South Portugese Wales will begin using Playmates Star Trek action figures for legal tender. "We struggled with this problem for quite some time," said Igot Footenmouth, Sub Vice-Chairman of the IMF's Alternate Currency Bureau. "The current unit of NSPW currency, which is called the Drabble, has become devalued into complete worthlessness and American dollars are much too expensive. So finally, one evening during happy hour, we suddenly had inspiration. We just can't wait to set our plan into motion." The IMF plan calls for Playmates' nine-inch tall figures of James Kirk and Mr. Spock, dressed in the outfits those characters wore in the Star Trek episode "Mirror, Mirror" to be used as the new basic unit of currency in NSPW. "The simple fact is, these action figures are easier to come by than Americandollars," said Footenmouth. Here's how the system would work. A native of NSPW would walk into a grocery store to purchase a loaf of bread. Bread sold for about 14 drabbles before the Asian financial crisis began this summer, but can go for as much as 1200 to 1300 drabbles now. That is equal to about 80 American dollars. But instead of paying in worthless drabbles or rare American dollars, the native may reach into his money belt and pull out mint, boxed "Mirror, Mirror" action figures of Kirk and Spock. The store owner would place the figures into his vault-ordinary cash registers will be much too small to handle the new legal tender-and give the native his change. Typically, that might consist of two 4.5-inch Harry Mudd figures and a Keiko. Later, one might catch that same native, making wishes at a nearby water fountain by tossing in P.J. Paris figures. Larger consumer items, such as automobiles, real estate, airplane fare and Nike sneakers would fetch much higher-level units of tender, such as Intendent Kiras, Tribbles O'Briens or Redemption Datas. Following the announcement by the IMF, Playmates stock rose 3.7 percent, to its monthly high: three Corbomite two-packs and a Dress McCoy . Stock in Kay-Bee Toys Inc. fell 7.1 percent to a DS9 Riker, an All Good Things Data and three Trelaines. PLAYTREKKER ARRESTED FOR VANDALISM - Roberto Utters, Pennsylvania - Star Trek toy collector, Ted Nichols, was arrested when he was caught red-handed in the act of vandalizing a Route 30 overpass. Police have been searching for weeks for the Playtrek Vandal, who was known for spray painting such maxims as "Playtrek Rocks!", "Borg Queen Rocks!", "Roberto Rocks!", "NewForce Rocks!", and "Mara Is A Groovy Chick!" on various public and private building surfaces. The police set up a sting on Route 30, when, at 2:00AM, they caught Nichols in the process of spraypainting "AndyNova Rocks!" on the overpass. Utters deputy, Barney Fife, had little difficulty apprehending the culprit. "Well, I offered him a Gold Enterprise toy ship to entice him off the overpass, but I think it was the threat of my karate moves that finally scared him into submission. On the way to the station, he kept threatening me with 'venting plasma from the warp core', but I still don't know what he meant by that. He did, however, seem to have an awfully bad case of flatulence the entire car ride." In a jail cell interview, Nichols had this to say. "Playtrek Rocks! The Gold Enterprise Rocks! Hey, make sure you get my name right. It's Ted CAPITOL A Nichols THE SECOND! No relation to Nichelle. Playtrek Gazette Rocks! Venting Plasma Rocks! Barney Fife Rocks!" In a court hearing the next day, Nichols was to be released on bail, but bail was unexpectedly increased when he was cited for contempt of court when he 'vented plasma' before the judge. ACTION FIGURE JAILBREAK - Roberto Montreal, Quebec - Great White North Star Trek toy collector, Eddie Howell was devastated last night by the loss of his prized Star Trek collection. The collection of carded action figures, which were meticulously pinned to the wall in his bedroom, was destroyed when he awoke on the morning of October 31st, to find that nearly all of the packages had been ripped open and the figures were missing. "It was so spooky," cried Howell, "three walls of cards tacked up there, each with holes punched through the bubbles and the action figures just gone-- all except for that darned Mutated Tom Paris. That's the only thing I have left beside a bunch of useless cardbacks." At this point, Howell began crying and could not say anything more. Police are investigating, but so far have no leads. Royal Canadian Mountie, Roy Busthedz, talked about the clues, "Well, it looks like the bubble's plastic was punched out from the inside. Kinda like the figures came to life and broke out on their own. The really odd thing was this paper clip that was stuck in the window sill with the string tied to it. And then there's the six inch diameter hole in the window-- too small for the burglar to fit through, but small enough to push the toys through, certainly. The burglar obviously tried to mislead the investigation by putting tiny little footprints in the mud outside the window that lead to the storm drain." When asked about the incident, Howell's Mutated Paris had this to say, "I was too weak to break the plastic. They left without me and wouldn't help me out of this plastic jail! Damn it! It's all Harry Kim's fault!" Busthedz tried to take the Mutated Paris in as evidence, but Howell freaked out, opened the package, and removed the toy's head, thus destroying the evidence. PLAYMATES EXECUTIVE'S NOSE GROWS - John Los Angeles, CA. Jim Pocatello, the senior vice president of Boys Toys at Playmates, currently has a nose the length of a broomstick. And it's still growing, almost daily. Glenda, spokeswoman for the Good Witches Union, Local 234, explained that as part of their community outreach program, they had chosen Playmates to be a part of a bold experiment. "We had decided that we would use some of our powers to help teach ethics to business and government in general. As a pilot program, Playmates was chosen to help test our program. Originally, it was to be the same deal for all the top executives at Playmates that we gave Pinnochio: tell a corporate lie and your nose grows. Unfortunately, Playmates' attorneys heard about this, and slapped us with a cease and desist order. In a negotiated settlement, it was decided that instead of affecting all the Playmates executives, they could select one as a proxy. Unfortunately for Mr. Pocatello, the man ultimately in charge of the Star Trek line, they chose him." Said Mr. Earl Duke, Esquire, Playmates' lead attorney: "We figured it was a good settlement. Two inches of nose growth for every corporate lie told by Playmates. A few corporate lies here and there, and maybe several inches of nose growth for Mr. Pocatello. Piece of cake, baby, for any good competent plastic surgeon to fix. And there are lots of them here in LA. Believe me." "Unfortunately, even we grossly underestimated the corporate duplicity of Playmates. First came the 1701 series of figures. Then the "no more limiteds" announcement. Then the 10,000 series of figures. Then the 'less articulation for better sculpts' deal. Then the Intendant Kira figure. The list is almost endless. The poor man has gained about 4 feet of nose for the 'limited figure' issue alone. It's just way outta hand. He just had his nose smashed by the elevator doors for the third time this week. We are starting to look at some serious workers comp reparations here." Glenda agreed. "We've re-opened negotiations with Playmates' attorneys on this issue. This wasn't supposed to have happened. We chose a toy company, instead of an oil company, to test our program because we thought it would be fairly small scale. A lie here and there, but nothing big. We were shocked. We are thinking of re-instituting the program for all the executives, but this time have something shrink in size, rather than grow. We believe that this will probably be much more effective." There was no comment available from Mr. Pocatello. PLAYTREKKER INJURED IN NEAR-MISS ACCIDENT - John The "Midwest". Mr. "Nick Nameless", PlayTrekker, was recently injured in a frightening household accident. Nick and his wife had traveled across several states to visit with some close friends, who are active naturists. Said Mrs. Nameless, recounting the incident: "When in Rome we do as the Romans do. So Nick was in the kitchen, helping to make dinner, and staying well away from the bubbling pot of spagetti sauce. I told him to at least wear an apron, as the kitchen can be a dangerous place to be "alfreso", so to speak, what with all the hot spattering and such. But he wouldn't listen. So, anyway, he was cutting up a loaf of french bread with an 18-inch serrated bread knife when he suddenly assumed a heroic pose, with the knife over his head and shouted, "I am Nude Skywalker, Jedi Knight. Jabba the Loaf, you should have bargained when you had the chance. Now, feel the sting of my lightsaber." At which point he swung the bread knife around and whacked the french bread loaf several times. "Well, he got a little carried away, the knife slipped slightly, and.... It was almost like in "Return of the Jedi" when Vader gets his hand cut off. Only he did it to himself. And it wasn't his hand that almost got cut off. Fortunately, at that point, Nick's lightning-fast Jedi-master, self-preservation reflexes kicked in, and he jumped backward just in time, ending up with only a small cut." Said Nick "I don't wanna talk about it". Mrs. Nameless added, "THAT is one variation I don't ever want to see in my house." HAUNTED DEANNA TROI DOLL - Roberto Madison, Wisconsin - Ill winds are a blowin' out in the midwest where Star Trek toy collector, Dean Andrade, is reporting that his 9" Deanna Troi doll is haunted. "It was really weird," claims Andrade,"but I had this nightmare one night where I was floating in the odd, green whirlpool thing and I kept hearing this voice saying 'eyes in the dark,one moon circles'. When I woke up, my Deanna Troi doll had fallen off the shelf. I didn't really think much about it untilI noticed this...leakage from her eyes. It looked and tasted like blood!" Word of the doll that cried blood quickly spread into the Madison community (thanks in no small part to Andrade putting news of the crying wonder on a huge Billboard off of I-90 and charging $4 a head to come by his home and take a look). Poltergeist investigator, Victor Von Bugbear, was called into to examine the authenticity of the apparition. "Dees ees very unushual," explains Von Bugbear, "Ve haff ekzamined ze doll wiss ze patented Binary Apparition Zevaller- Pfieferhaususen, and ve cannot find ze reason for ze blood. Dere is definately some sort of supernatural force at verk here." When asked what the Binary Apparition Zevaller-Pfieferhaususen was designed to detect, Von Bugbear explained, "A'right, mate, it's s'posed ta gi' ya the subsonic voybrations pu' off by these 'ere bloody spirits. It does ge' a bi' o' the spiri' world on it's altimeter from the Troi doll, bu' 'ere's no 'splainin' the blood, Oy tell ya. It's like the blood comes ou' o' some other dimension or somethin'." He also explained that the doll cannot be a hoax as there is no discernable method to deliver the blood to the doll's eyes. "Ve haff contacted ze Playmates Toys representative and dey haff ekzamined ze doll as well. Dey claim it 'as not been tampered with and are unable to explain ze phenomenon." When asked what he was going to do with his mysteriously blood weeping Deanna Troi doll, Andrade said, "I'm thinking of stapling it to my front door for Halloween and scaring the neighborhood trick-or-treaters. After that, I've had several offers from Star Trek toy variation hunters. Chris Doyle in Oklahoma has offered me $1200 for this one of a kind, eye bleeding doll. How can I pass that up?" PLAYMATES SALES TACTICS CAUSE FLAREUP ON PLAYTREK LIST - John Member Chris Rei and head honcho Roberto recently engaged in a lively and impassioned online debate on the merits of Playmates sales tactics. Specifically at issue was whether or not offering Playmates Star Trek figures as a "premium" on other items was a good thing or not for collectors. For example, was it OK to offer the mail-away exclusive Sisko offer on the Nintendo and Sega Deep Space Nine game, causing many collectors to buy the game cartirdge for a tidy sum, only to obtain the figure? Or to have to buy the ToyFare magazine to obtain the coupons for the exclusive mail-away figures? Chris argued that it was needlessly burdensome, while Roberto argued the opposite. Although the debate become politely heated, no one was injured in the resulting melee, since Chris and Roberto live on opposite coasts. Both parties' legs were much too short to physically kick the other, though Roberto managed to score several good hits on a nearby chair, and Chris almost knocked his computer to the floor. Reaction to the disturbance was mixed, with the spouses of both parties telling them to pipe down. Roberto's wife was also overheard to say, "Oh, man. Not again. Where'd I put that dart gun." PLAYMATES ANNOUNCES NEW PROMOTIONAL TIE-IN - John In an ironic counterpoint to the recent sales tactics debate on the list, Playmates recently began its most recent promotional tie-in promotion. Buyers of a Pratt and Whitney T-4322A jet engine receive a coupon for a free, exclusive Mutated Paris in Green Pajamas mail-away figure. Said a Pratt and Whitney spokesman: "The T-4322A jet engine is a high-end, ultra-performance model that we normally only sell to aircraft manufacturers for use on large, military transport aircraft. We sell maybe 50 of the engines a year, normally. And that's in a good year. With this promotion, however, we've already sold 438 of the engines in just the first month of the promotion! And all of those have been to private individuals or comic book shops. Our sales manager, a Trekkie himself, told us this would be a sure-fire hit, but we all laughed at him. Now we're all buyin' him a beer a day for the rest of his life. We paid for all those figures we had to buy just by selling three of the engines, too!" Reaction to the offer was mixed. Chris Rei was heard to say: "Owwwwwww, no way do I need a jet engine. But the figure does fit my buying requirements. Dang it!" Roberto has, so far, slept peacefully through most of the promotion. Roberto's wife said, "This dart gun is the best investment I ever made." SPOCK'S BRAIN! - John In a move designed to delight both Trekkers and little kids who dig gory stuff, Playmates has announced the issuance of the new Spock's Brain role playing item. Just in time for Halloween, this item features a very realistic, gooey, life-size brain from the classic TOS episode "Spock's Brain". Made of a realistic new polymer, the item has a shelf life of only several months. The polymer begins to degrade and decompose in much the same fashion that a real brain would after just a short time, for extra fun. According to a recent press release from Playmates, shipping on this item has been delayed from early October to late November 1998. NEW FIGURES FROM PLAYMATES - Mr. Atoz Playmates has just announce a new joint venture with Hugh Heffner and Playboy magazine. In the continuance of the 'BOYS TOYS' that Playmates puts out they will be having a 12 figure exclusive offering through Playboy magazine... Playmates by Playmates... each month over the course of the year a new(d) 4.5" figure will be released (around 24.99) of that month's Playmate, culminating with a 12" Playmate of the year figure. These figures will be exact likenesses of each month's playmate, and will include accessories (lipstick, purse, perfume), and will have the Playboy Bunny as a base for the figure to stand on. The cardback will be a reproduction of that playmates magazine cover. Mr. Heffner says,"I am really proud of this, and we may even have a crossover where we feature nude Star Trek figures in the magazine". In other news, KB toys, Playmates, and Hasbro have decided to go ahead with their plans for a new Star Wars/Star Trek crossover... So when calling KB Toys do not be surprised when asking, "what Star Trek figures do you have in?" to be answered with, "Uh, we have a Chewhura, Luke T. Kirk, and a Han Sulu"... STARFLEET INTELLIGENCE - John Here, once again, is the latest, behind the scenes, information on upcoming releases of Star Trek items from Playmates Toys. Our fearless spies, informants, and stoolies have risked all to bring you this breaking news. For legal reasons, and to protect our sources, these must be labeled as "Rumors" for now, but mark our words, just keep watching those store aisles. RUMOR: Due to the overwhelmingly good response to the removable-head Borg Queen, Playmates is rumored to be working on several new figures. Figures currently in the planning stages include removable pants Kirk and Riker, and removable brain Spock. ******************** CLASSIFIEDS FOR SALE: Due to the overwhelming number of people wanting to sell a Pratt and Whitney T-4322A jet engine, a list of sellers has been started on the PlayTrek web page. Please check there if you are in need of a jet engine. The Editor. ANNOUNCEMENT All action figures must be free from their plastic cages by midnight tonight or the Lieutenant Carey action figure gets it in the head. Signed-- Eddie Howell's toys TV LISTINGS Tonight on OverHyped UPN TV! Plaztik 90210 - 8:00PM A special Halloween episode when Deep Space Nine is haunted by Frankenstein, Wolfman, the Mummy, and Jadzia Dax. Hilarity ensues when wacky next door neighbor, Jim Huh-door, shows up and it's a case of mistaken identity as he confuses the spooks as just being Odo in disguise. Special guests: McFarlane's Monsters as the spooks, Silly Putty as Odo, and Al Gore as the tree monster. WANTED Pants! I need pants! All my were stolen and all I have are these darned skorts (combination of skirts and shorts). Please help. Contact Aries at 1-212-PNTLESS MESSAGE FOR ALYSSA wROte BEggaR aTOne WAit kNoTS BrOwn aRGh inQUisitivE hEaveNS FOR SALE Rare Mutated Paris in Green Pajamas figure. Asking $165, 000. Call Chip at Ralph's Comics and Stuff. ******************** LETTERS TO THE EDITOR: Dear Editor: Oftentimes when I am hiking I get stickers in my socks. The other day I accidentally threw my socks into the laundry without getting the stickers out of them first. Now all my clothes have stickers in them and it's driving me up the wall. What should I do? Itchy Anne. Dear Itchy. What!!???? OK, as an avid hiker myself, I feel your pain. Here's what I do. Get yourself a 24 inch ruler, and one of the recent, relatively unarticulated WF 4 or WF5 figure. Kang works pretty well, I've found. Tape the ruler to the figure, and you've got a pretty good scratcher that'll reach all those hard to scratch spots. Hope this helps. NEXT ISSUE: The Fall Pledge Drive Issue. That is all. For now. Firing Retro-rockets.