Playtrek Gazette Vol. 1 Number 3 October 1998 Editor: John Contributors to this Issue: Roberto, John, Jeff, Chris, Andrew Contact the Gazette at: playtrek@hotmail.com Aye Caramba! Welcome to the third issue of the Playtrek Gazette. This issue was supposed to be the spooky Halloween issue, full of stories as freaky as the head sculpt on the Tasha Yar figure. But, alas, our journalistic ethics dictate that we, as well as our peers at Time, Newsweek, the NY Times, ABC, NBC, CBS, etc. get caught up in the pants-down frenzy created by our President and his ex-girlfriend and their hijinks in the Oral Office. So, we’re diving headlong into the muck, Sewer Urchin-like, just to bring our faithful readers the full story of how a Star Trek figure "figures" prominently in the Starr report. Sorta like we’ve substituted one scariness for another. In this exciting foray we are also proud to bring you exclusive information on what Playmates has in store for us for 1999, as well as information on the next Star Trek movie (Spoiler Alert!). Also, as a public service feature, we are presenting an article to help you find out if you too suffer from the psychological disorder PILD, as so many Playtrekkers do, and what you can do to alleviate your suffering. Plus, more good stuff than we can shake a fully functional Data at. Hey, ho, let’s go! As always, our commitment is to bring you the most news possible about the Playmates Toys’ Star Trek line, with none of the burden of journalistic objectivity or integrity. Contributions are welcomed, and criticisms will be ignored. [Editor’s note: This issue, in reflecting the sordid state of public discourse, deals with subject matter that some may find objectionable. So... we’d suggest not reading further if you are possessed of delicate, easily offended sensibilities. And why did FOX cancel "The Tick"? Now that is really a scandalous shame. We mean it about the offensive stuff… you’ve been warned.] ******************** PLAYMATES ANNOUNCES 1999 FIGURE SCHEDULE by Chris Rei. La Mirada, CA. Good News Trek Fans! Playmates has relented and is now planning to release several waves of new figures in the 4.5" scale for 1999. Projected release dates and casepacks are as follows: Warp Factor 6: Release Date: 2/99 (will be delayed to 5/99) [Headswap Assortment] Troi in DS9 uniform - 1 per case Sisko in Bajoran uniform - 6 per case Quark as Klingon - 2 per case Dax as Dabo girl - 1 per case Janeway in TOS uniform - 2 per case Warp Factor 7: Release Date: 4/99 (will be delayed to 7/99) [Special Premiums Assortment] Torres with Janeway card - 1 or 2 per case Movie Spock w/ Skybox card (packed without figure) - 1 or 2 per case Dathon with SpaceCap (classic package) - 3 per case (don't overpay!) Admiral McCoy with SpaceCap - 6 per case (big pegwarmin' action!) Warp Factor 8: Release Date: 6/99 (will be canceled) [Holodeck Fun Assortment] Picard as Scrooge - 2 per case Paris in Hawaiian Shirt - 4 per case Nurse Chapel in Leather Bondage gear - 1 per case, naturally Chakotay in Bermuda shorts - 4 per case Nude Lwaxana Troi - mercifully, 1 per case Warp Factor 9: Release Date: 8/99 (Viacom stores will get 5/99) [Fan Appreciation Assortment] Generic Red Shirt figure from TOS (Ensign Expendable) - 1 per case Kes in Starfleet uniform - 1 per case Neelix with Chef's hat & apron - 4 per case Dr. McCoy in short sleeves - 6 per case Warp Factor 10: Release Date: 10/99 (delayed until license exp.) [Action Feature Assortment] Wankin' Action Barclay - 4 per case Fightin' Action Wesley - 3 per case Chief O'Brien with Dart Throwin' Action - 1 per case Stretch Sulu (from Mirror, Mirror) - 2 per case Pizza Tossin' Data - 2 per case Warp Factor 11: Release Date: 12/99 (canceled, of course) [The "We Finally Get It" Assortment] Scotty in Dress Uniform (kilted) - 3 per case Gary Seven with Isis - 3 per case Commander Shelby - 3 per case The Salt Vampire - 3 per case [Besides - everyone knows you cannot go past Warp 10!] Wizard Press Mail Order Exclusives: Wolverine in Starfleet Uniform (4/99 ToyFare) Picard as Full-Minbari/Purple Uniform (6/99 ToyFare) (Green Uniform version to be Diamond Exclusive) Lt. Seska as Klingon (8/99) (Lt. Seska as Romulan to be Diamond Exclusive) Ensign Kim as Houseplant (10/99) Star Trek Fan Club Exclusive: Spock's Brain Victoria's Secret Catalog Exclusive: Picard & Janeway in Silk Pajamas (2 pack) Penthouse Magazine Exclusive: 9" vibrating ODO Viacom Cross-Promotion toys: Nickelodeon - Horta Gak Nickelodeon - Armus Gak Licensed Food Items: Klingon Gummi-Gagh Pete's Wicked Romulan Ale Wonder Quadrotriticale Bread T.G.I.Friday's Samarian Sunset Mix Starbuck's Raktajino Blend Lawry's Yamok Sauce & Marinade Bartels & James Blood Wine Cooler STARR REPORT FEATURES TREK FIGURE IN SCANDAL - John Washington D.C. - In shocking news to legions of Star Trek fans, one of Playmates’ Star Trek figures has turned into a key piece of evidence in the sex scandal currently rocking the nation’s capital and pre-empting daytime television shows across the nation. In a press conference a few days ago, Independent Prosecutor Kenneth Starr displayed the figure, which is featured prominently on pages 243 to 254 in the Starr Report to Congress. Standing amidst a knot of heavily armed security guards, said Starr: "This is one of the most damaging pieces of evidence we have against the President. It wasn’t until just several days ago that it’s existence even came to light". Holding up the Toy Fare exclusive mail-away transparent "Lt. Geordi La Forge as Tarchannen Alien" figure, Starr continued: "As you can clearly see, this figure is totally nude. Buck naked! Nekkid as a jaybird! That the President should have an item of such obscenity displayed openly on his desk, in full view of innocent women, children, secret service agents, and army generals is beyond belief. It clearly demonstrates a lack of discretion that indicates the President is capable of indecencies that I can only imagine. Hmmmmmmmm...oh yeah... sorry lost my train of thought there for a minute. Anyway, now, after a well-spent 4 years and 40 million dollars, it is up to Congress to decide the fate of the President and little Mr. Nude Blue Magoo here." Interviewed separately, Senator Orrin Hatch had these comments, delivered in his usual diplomatic style: "What?? Playmates? Blue alien mutated DNA? Is the FBI lab working on it to check out whose DNA it is? Get them right on it! It doesn’t surprise me, though. The perversions are seemingly never ending with that jerk. Plus, I understand now that a search of the President’s desk revealed numerous paper clips, pens, and sticky note pads in his top desk drawer, which he keeps closed. Clearly, indications of theft of government property and obstruction of justice. Have you ever seen any papers or other actual work on his desk? And why does he keep that top drawer closed unless he’s hiding something. Definite grounds for impeachment." Standing with Senator Hatch for moral support, the Rev. Oral Roberts snapped at a reporter: "Yes, that is my real first name. You want me to bust you up like I did with that flight attendant last year! Let’s go, buddy. One of us is pavement bound." The President, a long-time Trek collector, was clearly irritated, and responded several hours later: "Oh man, this is intolerable. They took my Toy Fare mail away Geordi figure. And I just got it in the mail a little while ago. Dang it. I was lucky enough to be in the first batch of people to get that figure this time, and now with it gone my collection won’t be complete. I’m still waiting for my Tapestry Picard II figure to get here. It was bad enough that I had to have the secret service drive me down to WalMart everyday during the 1701 series fiasco so I could be the first in the door to look for the original Tapestry Picard. But I stuck it out, and finally got ‘em all. Although that one time Al wanted to come along, and he could run faster than I could to the toy aisle and he got Barclay. Had to trade him some stuff for it. It was all worth it, though. But now this! Get the Justice Department on the line and tell them to get me my Geordi figure back or heads are gonna roll! Oh, yeah. I am still fit to lead this country. And for the 300th time, I’m sorry." Vice-President Al Gore had this to say: " ". TRELANE FIASCO, THE RESULT OF SABOTAGE - Roberto Seattle, Washington - Many a Playtrekker has scratched his/her head at the recent 4.5" Trelane action figure and wondered "What went wrong?" Playmates Toys official statement is that the odd, squating pose of the character's figure was a result of Chris Overley's (former Star Trek line manager) attempt at adding "action" poses to the line and the toy designer using a still photo of the Trelane character in that particular pose. Many a Trekker has watched the episode, "Squire of Gothos", in search of the mysterious pose, but have been unable to turn up the scene in which this occurs. Recently, secret Playmates Toys memos have turned up that give the real answer as to what happened. It was the result of sabotage and non-Trek fans in charge. In November of 1997, Playmates' mail room clerk, Theodore Glambouy, intercepted a package being sent to toy sculpture, Francis deAlbequerque, of ToysWeMake Sculpting house in Seattle Washington. Glambouy, a big fan of Liberace, secretly switched the photo of Star Trek's Trelane character, with a photo of Liberace in hopes of getting a Liberace action figure as a result. Due to the striking resemblance of the Trelane character and Liberace, deAlbequerque was unaware that he was working with the incorrect photo at the time he designed the figure. Furthermore, the prototype had passed through the approval phase (even getting the approval of Chris Overley), been sent to Hong Kong for tooling, and halfway through the tooling process, before a sharp eyed Trek fan got a glimpse of the prototype and noted the error. When the error was discovered and the culprit traced back to Theodore Glambouy, his employment was terminated, but it was too late to correct the error. The secret memo goes on to explain Overley's attempt to cover up this error and pass off the Liberace action figure as Trelane from "Squire of Gothos". Through obfuscation and smoke and mirrors, Overley almost succeeded in fooling the public into believing the switch. However, with the photo of Liberace in a decidedly lewd position that deAlbequerque used to sculpt the Liberace figure, many people questioned the validity of it being a true Trelane figure and as a result, sales were down. TAPESTRY PICARD II HIP HOLE REVELATION by Jeff Riemersma September 5, 1998 - VAN NUYS, CA. In an exclusive interview obtained by our crack Star Trek correspondent, Playmates Toys earlier today leaked an official explanation for the phaser holster hole that exists on 98% of their limited edition Toyfare exclusive Tapestry Picard II figures. "Most folks just think it's a matter of us using existing leftover left thighs from our highly successful 1992 series of Star Trek figures -- which we produced in quantities of up to 7 billion," says John Coctosin, interim head of Star Trek marketing at Playmates. "They're correct, of course." However, when Mr. Coctosin was pressed for details surrounding the decision to include the hole-ridden thigh pieces, he sheepishly admitted, "Actually, when we first decided to use the pieces with the holes, we had our design department come up with some add-on accessories that could theoretically be "plugged in" to our illustrious captain's left appendage. Items such as his coveted first edition of Moby Dick, the flute he acquired in the episode "Inner Light," and of course, Spock's brain from the classic episode "Spock's Brain" were all fantastic ideas for thigh-accessories that we were considering," says Playmates' new interim head of Star Trek marketing Ann Amahlmuhay. "I am proud to reveal, for the first time on the record, that we will be introducing our brand-spankin' new Classic USS Enterprise Bridge Playset accessory plug-in which will go on sale in April of 1999." "This wonderful, 1:1 scale replica of the classic USS Enterprise bridge will include working turboshaft, electronic lights and sound, operational viewscreen, and, um, well, it will all connect securely into, uh, Captain Picard's thigh hole." When asked why Playmates would want to plug in a life-size bridge playset from one television series into the thigh of a 4.5" Captain figure from another series, Playmates' brand new interim head of Star Trek marketing, Mr. Mxyzptlk, quipped, "For the fans. We want to give something back to the core collector base that has stuck by our, well, slightly misguided past decisions. We feel that this useful tie-in between two generations of fans will go a long way to repair our somewhat spotty reputation, as well as end world hunger as we know it. We want Playmates collectors out there to know 'We're Listening.'" Asked whether it might not be a good idea to just release the classic bridge playset as a scaled accessory for the original series figures, sans hip-hole plug-in, Mr. Mxyzptlk chortled, "What kind of a stupid idea is that? Where'd you get your marketing degree from, eh? Toys 'R' Us Community College? BWAH-HAH-HA-HA. Now if you'll excuse me, I must get back to the important job of overseeing articulation and paint deco removal from our toy lines. This interview is now officially over..." UPCOMING STAR TREK MOVIE SCOOP by Andrew Novasitis Even though the newest Star Trek movie "Insurrection" isn't even in theaters yet, the Playtrek Gazette has obtained information on the "next" motion picture production. It will be a joint venture between Paramount Pictures and the Walt Disney Company. The movie's title will be "A Star Trek Toy Story." It will be part live action, part computerized animation and part stop motion animation. Which parts are which is a closely guarded secret, but the Playtrek Gazette has obtained a shooting script. Below are a few scenes: Opening scene (starts with live action): Q in white flowing gown and Picard in old style Starfleet uniform. Picard looks down at his chest to see a phaser blast scar right at his heart. Picard to Q: "Are you responsible for this?" Q: "Yes, I'm God...and you're dead." Having a flash of deja vu, Q quickly says: "Ah, on second thought, you're not dead. You're an action figure, yeah that's it." With a snap of Q's fingers, Picard is transferred into the Picard from Tapestry 4.5" action figure. Picard tries to talk, but his mouth won't open, so he mumbles: "What is the meaning of this?" Q: "That's the same thing thousands of toy collectors have been asking ever since Playmates released only 1701 figures of you." Picard: "I don't understand." Q: "Neither does everyone else." At that moment, Q sees a Mr. Potatohead sitting on another shelf, and states: "Hey, I'm hungry." Mr. Potatohead (with Don Rickles' voice) says: "Oh no, you don't, you hockey puck." Q snaps his fingers and a plate of cheese fries appears. Meanwhile, Picard tries to look down at his belt, to see if there is a star there, but can only move his head right and left, not up and down. Q says: "That's right, mon captaine, your articulation isn't quite what it used to be. Try sitting down and not looking foolish." Q snaps his fingers again, and Picard now finds himself in a three pack on a shelf in a K*B Toy Store in a mall. He turns his head and sees Tasha Yar and Lt. Barclay. A cartoon bubble appears above Picard when he thinks, "What's up with Barclay's hair?" Tasha turns to Picard, saying: "Sir. What's going on? I was on the bridge on the Enterprise-C and now I'm here, surrounded by plastic. I can hardly breath." Barclay interrupts: "Ahh, mmm, ahh, where's Mr. T?" Picard turns back to Q, who is now in Judge's Robes. Q, lifting up his arms, says: "See, Picard, I only have three points of articulation, be glad that you have more." Q finishes the last of the cheese fries. Tasha Yar yells out: "Captain, where's Worf? He could handle Q." Q, now 6" and holding a ridiculous fencing sword, says: "Oh, what a fabulous idea." Q throws away the sword, and twists his arm in 'Real Fencing Action', and Lt. Worf appears, wearing Ritual Klingon Attire (Supernova Series). Worf comments: "What is with this shiny metallic look? Where are the blood stains? This is not honorable for a Klingon Warrior." Q: "You think that metal look isn't honorable, try looking at yourself in blue pants over there in that video store on the other side of the mall." Worf gets angry with Q's statement, takes out his orange colored type two phaser (with a red beam coming out already), looks at it, says: "What's up with this?" Throwing the phaser down, he grabs his bath'leth and rips down the side of the wall. Worf runs, although a little stiffly, through the adjacent T.G.I. Friday's restaurant and ends up at the Suncoast Video store. Worf, now dressed in a 19th century sailor's outfit, runs over to the Sci-Fi section, bumping into a Buzz Lightyear doll on his way. It says: "To infinity and beyond." Worf drop-kicks Buzz, snarling: "There. Now you're beyond the final frontier." Worf, reaching for a Return to Grace video package on the top shelf, growls: "What am I doing strapped to the side of videotapes? Wearing those blue pants? And for $59.99? Truly, there is no honor in this." Q and Picard finally arrive at the Suncoast Video store. Picard, now dressed as Galen, says: "Mr. Worf, you're a Starfleet officer, act like one." Worf turns to Q, who is now in DS9 uniform, replies: "I will kill you where you stand." Q gets scared and turns himself into 9" figure. Q: "OK, Woof, you're now a cowboy. Giddy up." Worf now finds himself dressed in Western Attire and with Woody the Cowboy (from Disney's Toy Story) at his side. Woody (in Tom Hanks' cheerful voice): "Oh, great. Now, we all can play together." Worf turns to Picard, who is now looking like a Romulan, and comments: "I am not a merry man." Q remarks: "That would have been a great idea, but of course they will never make all you people in those holodeck Robin Hood outfits. I hear they are making a Dathon in Starfleet Dress Uniform, packed with a pog, too, and only available in Target stores in eastern Kansas. Now, how's that for 'no honor', huh, Worf?" The remainder of the script will remain top secret, for now, as we do not want to ruin the entire movie for everyone. PSYCHOLOGISTS DISCOVER NEW TOY RELATED DISORDER - Roberto New York City, New York - Noted psychologist, Doctor Ginger Hedeggzamin, has recently published a paper in the American Psychological Journal, claiming a new toy related psychological disorder. This new disorder, named Polymer Image Lechery Disorder (PILD), is the diagnosis of a person who lusts after toy dolls and action figures to the point of rejecting their families, friends, and intimate relationships. In the paper, Dr. Hedeggzamin follows the progress of toy collector, Thomas Hinkley, whose abnormal desire for a Star Trek Vina: The Orion Slave Girl action figure, ultimately led to separation from his wife and the ostracization from his family. "Hinkley was a normal toy collector," writes Hedeggzamin, "Well, some people would question whether collecting toys is normal, but that's a whole other disorder. Anyway, his collecting activities was no different than any other collector when it came to the plastic images of nubile young women. He collected and successfully survived the Dale Arden figure from the Flash Gordon line, the Angela figure from the Spawn line, and the Xena figure from the Xena line, although his wife became increasingly irritated by the way he like to display Xena *without* her clothes-- despite her complaints. But the release of Vina: Orion Slave Girl action figure really seemed to put him over the top. Within a few short months, his behavior changed drastically. He began isolating himself and rejecting his wife. His wife questioned him about mysterious charges on their credit card bills, but he became increasingly defensive and claimed they were charges for more toys. Through a private investigator, it was discovered that Hinkley had fallen in love with his Vina toy and had been taking her out to dinner and clandestine motel visits. 'It's all so strange, really,' his wife claims. 'Looking back, I can see he always seemed to favor the female action figures-- especially those that were wearing form fitting outfits or were partially clothed. All those times that he locked himself in the bathroom with the 9" Troi doll makes sense now. I couldn't get him to see reason, which is why I called the University of Connecticut and talked to Dr. Hedeggzamin.'" "After checking Mr. Hinkley into the New York state hospital for the not-so-criminally insane," Hedeggzamin's report goes on to explain, "I ascertained that the man had a disorder which is characterized by an unusual physical attraction to plastic toys in the image of the curvy feminine body. As a previously undiagnosed condition, I have named this disorder, Polymer Image Lechery Disorder, or PILD for short. Pioneering attempts have been made to get through to Mr. Hinkley and cure his sickness, including a subscription to Busty Babes magazines, a copy of the recent Cindy Crawford pictorial in Playboy, and a visit from Anna Nicole Smith, he still refuses to be seperated from his Vina action figure. His delusions have advanced to a request to marry the toy, when he created hand-made invitations to Cadet Troi, Leeta the Dabo Girl, and all five of the Spice Girls dolls. At this time, a cure is unknown." LIFETIME AIRS SPECIAL EDITION OF 'NEW ATTITUDES' - Roberto Hollywood, California - In an unprecedented move, the Lifetime cable network is putting together a special edition of its popular news and entertainment show, "New Attitudes", to be hosted by field reporter, Linda Knewzinski. The special, entitled, "Playtrek Rules!" is to consist of one-on-one interviews with on-line Playtrek mailing list member, Marsha Collier, and an in-depth review of her Star Trek and Beanie Baby toy collection. "We had Ms. Collier on the show in September," says Knewzinski, "about on-line auctions. She was so pleasant and gracious that our management decided to build a whole show around her and her collection. We're very excited to have her and expect to draw a unique audience, since this is a bit different from our usual show format." "It's my fifteen minutes of fame," says Collier, "and I hope to milk it for all it's worth. When I was on the show in September, I demanded that they film my Star Trek collection and me greeting the Playtrekkers on camera, and I was a little upset that they cut it from the final version of the show. In fact, I insisted that they get a nice shot of my Tri-fold Borg, but all that was shown was a quarter second glimpse of it. I was really upset about that and I'm thrilled that 'New Attitudes' has returned and is willing to give me and my collection more air time." Candidly, Knewzinski added, "If you look around the 'New Attitudes' offices, you can probably see that our staff are big fans of the recent beanie baby craze. Off the record-- this *is* off the record, you understand? We don't want this getting out so don't print this, but the real reason we're having Marsha Collier back on the show is because she's helping us get some Beanie Babies we've been looking for. Remember that auction I won on the show in September? Well, Collier tricked me. What I'd actually won wasn't a Beanie Baby, but a knock-off product, called a Beanie *Bablie*. Damn thing turned out to be this stupid stuffed chicken that squawks-- not at all what I wanted. Collier knew this and was going to hold the *real* Beanie Baby hostage until we let her back on the show again. When the folks in the office found out she had access to Beanie Babies we wanted, they capitulated and are now creating a whole show around her and her stupid Star Track stuff. I just don't see how all those weird Trackkies get into that stupid TV show. Why can't they be more normal and collect Beanie Babies? Now I'm being extorted into putting together a whole show around that weirdo Star Track stuff." TREKKERS OVERLOAD PHONE SYSTEM by Andrew Novasitis On Tuesday, September 1, 1998, between 7:30 PM and 9:00 PM, the entire eastern United States long distance telephone network was overloaded, resulting in a complete breakdown of service. This disruption of service was attributed to rabid Star Trek fans repeatedly dialing a toll free number in response to a certain toy company's commercials shown during the airing of the initial episode of the Star Trek original series on the Sci Fi Channel. For those readers who might have missed it, following is a transcript of the 60 second commercial, which ran only twice during the airing of "The Man Trap" on the Sci Fi Channel. It was a simple all text commercial with the words on a slow scroll while a female voice read: "Greetings Star Trek toy fans. In conjunction with the Sci Fi Channel, Playmates Corporation, which brought you fine quality action figures for the past six years, is proud to announce the production of all new 4 1/2" action figures, featuring characters from original series episodes you are now watching. Which action figures we will produce are based on your requests. Call this toll free number: 1-(800) TREK- TOY and leave a message listing your five favorite original series action figures that you would like us to make. Playmates will produce the five most requested action figures for each of the three seasons of the original series, for a total of fifteen new action figures. And Playmates will offer each action figure directly to fans at a special price of only $5.00 per figure. Our hailing frequencies are now open. Call: 1-(800) TREK-TOY. Playmates - We want to be your toy company." When the telephone company was contacted by the Playtrek Gazette, the spokesperson, Scott Montgomery responded, "Ahh, I remember that night. It's what we refer to as 'Black Tuesday'. We were receiving 1,701 calls per minute during that hour and a half period. Everywhere from Miami, Florida to Newark, Delaware to Albany, New York. Our circuits just canna handle that. Oh, me poor circuits." Reaction from loyal Star Trek action figure fans has been amazing. Playtrek's own list administrator, Roberto, reports that subsequent to those TV commercials, there were 2,461 postings to the list by the following day. "And it only increased afterwards," Roberto continued. "I had to take a leave of absence from my job just to read each and every message. It's fantastic. Everyone just loves this idea." The Playtrek Gazette next contacted Playmates directly. The public relations department faxed us a response. In applicable part, it read: "Thank you for your interest in our products. Due to the overwhelming positive response to our commercials announcing our new TOS action figure assortments, that product line has been canceled. No more information will be forthcoming." INTERVIEW WITH PATRICK STEWART - Roberto London, England - I caught up with international Star Trek star, Patrick Stewart, during the filming of his latest film, "Pompous British Ass", in London. He graciously agreed to sit down with me to discuss some of the concerns of Playtrekkers around the world about his life, Star Trek, and his immortalization in plastic. Roberto: Thank you Mister Stewart, for taking the time to sit down with me for this interview. Stewart: Oh, I'm very happy to talk with you. I'm always pleased to talk about my Star Trek experiences. Roberto: That's very gracious of you. I'd like to start out with something that I know is many of the minds of Playtrekkers and Trekkers alike, based upon early photos from the upcoming line of Star Trek dolls. In the new Star Trek film, "Star Trek: Insurrection", is it true that the crew of the Enterprise quits the Federation, buys a cruise ship, names her the Sun Princess, and starts a lucrative "Love Boat"-like cruise business on Risa? Stewart: [laughs] Well, I'm not about to give away the plot of the movie, but there is an interesting scene where we all appear in cruise ship attire. All I can really say is that Deanna Troi is *not* the cruise director. I really can't say more than that. Roberto: Okay. Next question. Right now, there's quite a lot of controversy around the question of size. Stewart: Size? Roberto: Yes. It seems that there's some argument over Picard being four and a half inches, six inches, and nine inches. Then there's the issue of twelve inches-- Stewart: My God! Twelve inches! Roberto: Yes. There's already a strong following that prefer the four and a half inch Picard and are opposed to the new six inch-- Stewart: Excuse me. Is this some disturbing subculture with the Trek fans out there? I must tell you, I'm really not comfortable discussing Picard's "size". Roberto: [stunned silence] Okay, fine. We'll talk about Riker instead. There's some that think that they've had just too much of the nine inch Riker-- Stewart: Please! Jonathan Frakes is a friend of mine! If we don't stop this line of questioning right here and now, I'm going to terminate this interview! Roberto: Um... [shuffles his notes] I'm sorry about that. Um... Okay, maybe this one will be okay. If you recall, the one inch Klingons, Borgs, and Ferengis were a failure to succeed in-- Stewart: THAT'S IT!!! This interview stops now! Roberto: But I haven't gotten to Troi and Crusher yet. Stewart: My God! That's disgusting! Have you no shame!? Roberto: I'm sorry, I just-- Stewart: Listen to me! I don't care what you sick-o Trekkies do in your own home. It's your business. But there are many children that watch Star Trek and I cannot condone this kind of behavior. You should be ashamed! Roberto: I'm just talking about toys. I don't understa-- Stewart: Toys! Oh, now you have toys that emulate my anatomy in various sizes? Roberto: Well, yes. There's Picards in various shapes and sizes for-- Stewart: [groans] I think I'm going to be sick to my stomach. I'm going to have to warn my agent to keep you away from me. Thank you and good-bye! So there you have it. For unexplained reasons, the interview did not go well, but at least I got the teasing information that Deanna Troi is not the cruise director in the new film. Stay tuned to future interviews where I hope do discuss toys with other Trek stars-- although I think I'll stay away from the size issue next time. STARFLEET INTELLIGENCE - John Here, once again, is the latest, behind the scenes, information on upcoming releases of Star Trek items from Playmates Toys. Our fearless spies, informants, and stoolies have risked all to bring you this breaking news. For legal reasons, and to protect our sources, these must be labeled as "Rumors" for now, but mark our words, just keep watching those store aisles. RUMOR: The popular electronic NANO Pet line is about to get another boost. Joining "NANO Kirk" in the "NANO Captains Series" will be "NANO Janeway" and "NANO Sisko". Again, just like the regular NANO kitties, these NANO Captains require special care. Voice chips featuring the real actors voices greatly enhance the effect, and new artificial intelligence means the player must select the correct path from several available choices to guide the game to an infinite number of outcomes. For Janeway, you must ensure that she gets her daily ration of 58 cups of coffee, metered throughout the day. Not enough and she can’t do her job, too much and the voice-chip kicks in: "HeyChakotay! I’vehad33cupsof coffeeinthelast20minutes! Wannarunaroundtheshipwithmeabout80times? Huh?Huh?Huh?Huh?" Periodic catastrophes befall the Voyager, and it’s up to you to ensure that Janeway makes the right decision: always involving her inability to delegate authority. "The turbo-toilet in engineering is clogged up again? Chakotay, give me that plasma-plunger. I’ll be in engineering. You have the bridge!" Likewise, Sisko will require special care: periodic head shavings, and a wildly exaggerated, over-acted reaction to common problems to keep him healthy: "O’Brien! The turbo-toilet is CLOGGED! Again! THIS could spell the END of the Federation!" Plus, play baseball in the holosuites with Sisko! Sounds like a pocket full of fun. RUMOR: A new Star Trek show, as yet untitled, will debut next year to replace "Deep Space Nine", which ends this season. Reportedly, the producers, in order to cut down costs, are rifling through scripts and videos of all the previous shows. "Our intention is to steal, I mean borrow, as many storylines as we can, and just splice together the various old shows to make new ones. Any one episode could have scenes from TOS, ST:TNG, DSN, Voyager, or even some of the movies! Our production staff will consist of only about three editors. It’s a new concept in television production, but we’re sure the fans will love it. Besides, we’ve recycled some of these plotlines 4 or 5 times already! Who’s going to notice?" Said a Playmates spokesman, when asked if a figure line would support the new show: "Ka-ching! Ka-ching! Recycled figures! Profit margin on the upswing! Take ‘em to the bank, Danno. I’mmmmmm in the moneeeeeey! Yippee, yippee. Oh, yeah! This is good espresso!" ******************** CLASSIFIEDS WANTED TO TRADE: two pink colored PADDs for one green type one phaser. Contact: I_M_Nutz@aol.com.net.edu.gov.com WANTED: A clue. Please contact Playmates management. FOR SALE: New *Liberace* action figure for sale. First in a series of musician action figures from Playmates toys. $15 1-800-GLAMBOY FOR SALE: Complete set of Warp Factor Series 1 figures with fuzzy tribbles, including Sisko, Dax, Odo, BashCHRIS OVERLEY BLEW ITir, Koloth, and the rarJIM GARBER DID TOOe O'Brien. References available upon request. $60 1-800-ADEALER MESSAGE FOR DON HI11EN***** hello don. i'd SEND private email but ALL messages are bouncing. i'm interested in buying some TOYS. please write TO me soon. ROBERTO LOST: One smallish looking ferengi, non-articulated, about 3 inches tall, with two teeth showing in a grin, responds to the name of Nog. Last seen on a card in the plastic bubble next to Rom. Reward of two orange-colored pieces of latinum offered. ADVERTISEMENT: Do you want to change your image? Be someone else entirely, yet still be familiar to those around you? Give us a try. We are specialists: HEAD-SWAPPERS R' US. We were responsible for the enormously successful Picard Tap II figure, Wesley Crusher in Ritual Klingon Attire, Vash as Orion Animal Woman, Odo as Talosian Keeper. Be someone that you always wanted (or really didn't want, but since you're a completist, are compelled to buy anyway). Call us. 1-(800)-EZ-MONEY._ SERVICES Do you find yourself preferring to display your toys unclothed? Do you find yourself preferring plastic utensils over metal ones? Do you find yourself going out of your way to be alone with your Ilia action figure? You could be suffering from a psychological disorder known as PILD. Help is only a phone call away. Don't delay. Call 1-800-IMSICKO ANNOUNCEMENTS To be joined in wedded bliss on October 24, 1998 at a private ceremony; all happiness to the couple and blessed be their new lives: Thomas Hinkley and Vina the Orion Slave Girl. Invitation only. ANNOUNCEMENT: The previously announced Twin pack of Harry Kim and Species 8472 alien will henceforth be referred to as the Twin pack featuring Kim and the Scorpion Alien-- just to annoy Roberto. TELEVISION LISTINGS Coming up on Overhyped UPN TV! Plaztik 90210 - 8:00PM In this hilarious episode, it's learned that Data's cat, Spot, is a long lost relative of Toonces the Driving Cat when he claws Wesley Crusher and takes over the Enterprise's drivers seat. Hilarity ensues when Spot accidentally impales the Ferengi homeworld, Ferenginar, with the Enterprise and Picard has to explain that "the cat did it". Special guest appearance by Beanie Babies: Calico the Cat as Spot and Kuddles the Kat as the Klingon feline, K'Me'Yow. Also look for special guest star, Wil Wheaton, as the hand that manipulates the Wesley Crusher action figure. ******************** LETTERS TO THE EDITOR: Dear Editor Dude: I’m kinda new to this hobby. I was given a carded Tapestry Picard figure by a friend to start my collection. He said it was a very valuable figure. I thought the figure was kinda stinky, though, so I opened it, took off Picard’s head and replaced it with a Captain Kirk head! Now I have "Kirk in Generations" movie uniform figure! Pretty cool, huh? I just wanted to share this recipe with everyone. Newbie. Editor: Pretty spiffy, Newbie. Thanks for passing along the tip. Dear Editor: I was watching First Contact for the 243th time, and I was wondering "Who are the greatest heroes and villains in the Star Trek universe?" Just Curious. Editor: Glad you asked, Curious. Batman is the greatest hero, and Mr. Freeze is the greatest villain (but not the movie version played by Arnold Schwartzenegger. He was terrible.). Thanks for writing. Submitted via flash-feedback e-mail: "Hey! I just finished reading your October issue. All it is a bunch of trash making fun of conservatives, liberals, the media, religious leaders, and innocent toy manufacturers. Don’t you guys have any respect? Mr. Disgusted. Editor: Apparently not. Give the man a cigar. And by the way, didn't we warn to stop reading at the beginning of this whole affair if you are easily offended? NEXT ISSUE: The "Spooky Halloween Issue". Probably. That is all. For now.