Playtrek Gazette November 1999, Part 1 Contributors to this issue: Roberto, Andrew, Dean, Chris Editor: John Hot on the heels of our Critical Mass Special Issue comes this newest installment of everyone’s favorite electronic birdcage liner. Stay tuned for our special Political Issue in which we report on several rumors of Roberto’s political aspirations. And, as always, stop reading right now if you are easily offended. TOP TEN PUNCHLINES TO DIRTY JOKES ABOUT STAR TREK ACTION FIGURES - Andrew 10. ...so I had to pog his Dathon. 9. ...would you look at the nacelles on that one. 8. ...and then 9" Q's face turned color. 7. ...Trelane then said, "Watch out!!! I can't hold it in any longer." 6. ...No, honey, I can't hold those accessories either. 5. ...now that's what I call a head swap! 4. ...So that's what those little colored phasers are for. 3. ...and wasn't Data red in that uniform. 2. ...Check out that Worf, he's 12 inches. and, the Number One punchline to a dirty joke about Star Trek action figures: 1. ...then Vina said, "See, I don't have to be articulated to be great." PLAYMATES TOYS ANNOUNCES NEW STAR TREK COLLECTABLE LINE - Chris On the heels of a significant internal restructuring that resulted in the shuttering of it's West Coast offices and the announcement of the end of the Star Trek toy line, Playmates has announced a new line of Star Trek collectables. Ted Dimes, recently promoted to Director of Playmates Worldwide Communications from temporary filing clerk, outlined the details of the new line. "From extensive market research, we were able to find a line of items that would be well received from the Star Trek fan base that we have so carefully built and maintained over the past 8 years. We have secured the appropriate licensing rights from Viacom/Paramount and, in a joint venture with the Playtex Company, we have put together a line of Undergarments from the Star Trek Universe." Due to be released in February 2000, the first series of undergarments will include the following: - Naomi Wildmon, Cadet in 'Training' Bra - Dr. 'Crusher' Sports Bra - Counselor Troi Bodacious Betazed Underwire Support Bra - Seven of Nine corset (available in Silver, Cobalt & Maroon) - Capt. Janeway no nonsense 18 hour bra - Starfleet Photon Torpedo Bra "We are very pleased with this line. We feel the inherent practical aspect will appeal to the female fan base while appealing to the fantasy aspect of the male fan base." Each item will be individually numbered and boxed in the trademark Playmates packaging. To add interest in the line, Playmates has announced that one bra in 1000 will have actually been worn by the actor (except the training bra). Further, our sources tell us that the Maroon Seven of Nine corset is a shortpacked limited edition - completists take note! Send all inquiries to: Ted Dimes Playmates Toys Motel 6 - Room 600 Costa Mesa, California 92626 [Editor's note: Late-breaking rumor holds that the Star Trek Fan Club will feature as an exclusive to this line: The Admiral Riker Bro.] INTERVIEW WITH AN ACTION FIGURE - Roberto After being much maligned in the Star Trek toy collecting community, the infamous "Mutated Tom Paris" has decided to set the record straight. Normally a very private individual, the action figure has granted his first ever interview. We sat down at his posh New York City apartment, surrounded by his pets, the plastic accessory slugs, to discuss his hopes, dreams and the frustration at being hated by so many. R: Thank you Mr. Paris, for granting me this interview. MTP: Your welcome. I'm glad we could do this. R: Okay, first question: What is your reaction to the rather derisive label that some have used when talking about you: "Paris in Pajamas"? MTP: Well, at first, I thought it was kind of amusing. I mean, look at me. I *do* look like I'm wearing pajamas, don't I? But after a while, I realized many people were using it as an insult-- and that hurts. Now it just makes me mad when I hear the term. R: Really? Have you done anything to try and change people from doing this? MTP: Yes, that's why I'm doing this interview. And I've hired a PR firm, Apple, Andrade & B'Gasoul, to create a marketing blitz to put the name "Mutated Tom Paris" in the public's mind, rather than the other one. R: What can we expect to see on this marketing blitz? MTP: Well, we're in negotiations with Playmates Toys to put the correct name on all their Star Trek products for 2000: their labeling the Mutated Tom Paris as the "Action Figure of the New Millennium". I'm very excited about that and hope it will help move some product out of the 3/$10 bins at Kaybee Toys. R: Um... You are aware that Playmates Toys will not be manufacturing Star Trek toys in 2000, right? MTP: They're not? Damn! Well, there goes one good idea. R: What else do you have planned? MTP: Well, I'm setting up a series of interviews on the talk show circuit. Expect to see me on The Late Night with Conan O'Brien in October, a week long stint with shock joke Howard Stern, Meet the Press, and MTV Countdown Live. We're also trying to line up an appearance on Politically Incorrect and a square on Hollywood Squares. And I just filmed a guest appearance on the new NBC sitcom, That-New-Show-With-A-Bunch-Of-Young-Immature-Hyper-Sexually-Active-Trying-To-Find-Themselves-Skinny-As-A-Model-Can't-Act-Worth-A-Damn-It's-Funny-Because-Of-The-Laugh-Track-Very-Special-Episode-Every-Week-We-Hope-We-Last-Until-Christmas-Before-They-Cancel-Our-Ass-Who-Watches-This-Crap-Anyway-People. R: Wow! That's impressive. Let's move on to why you're doing all this in the first place. People hate you. Why? MTP: Well, I wouldn't that *everyone* hates me. There's a core group of fans out there that love me and the work I do. I affectionately call them Paris-ites. They've gone so for as to create a fan-based website, which I endorse. It's at www.mutatedtomparis.com [Note: this reporter researched the site, but unfortunately it had been hacked and replaced with an image of Hermie the Elf/Dentist holding up a Mutated Tom Paris doll.] R: That's great! It's nice to know that somebody appreciates your work. MTP: Yes, it is. It seems to me that everyone in the entertainment industry has a fanbase, no matter how small. Heck, even Pauly Shore and Bob Saget have some hard-core fans. The Paris-ites may be a small group, but they *are* loyal. R: Hmm... Okay, then let me re-phrase my question. Why is it, do you think that many, and dare I say it, most, action figure fans hate you? MTP: I think it's for several reasons. First of all, the episode from which I was created, "Threshold", is the worst Voyager episode ever and maybe even the worst Star Trek episode out of all 500+. I'm sorry that it's such a lame-o episode, but it kind of ticks me off that people want to blame *me* for it somehow. They're angry because they wanted to see other action figures made instead of myself. Well, it wasn't my decision! I'm here and there's nothing you or I or anybody can do about it! I wish people would just buy me and play with me and stop blaming me for my existance! R: What is your relationship with the Captain Janeway action figure? MTP: We're friends, that's all. I know what you're getting at. You want to know about the fact that we "did it" in the Voyager episode and these little slugs are our offspring. Well, first of all, me and the other action figures are only based on the Star Trek characters brought to life by the actors. I've never even been on the Star Trek soundstage, so that wasn't me in the episode. Me and the Janeway *action figure* have a casual, pleasant relationship, but truth is, we don't see each other all that often. She came out in a completely different wave than me. We just don't hang around in the same circles or mix with the same people very often. R: How do you feel about customizers? MTP: Oh, they scare the plastic crap out of me! The thought of someone boiling my head, then pulling it off! Yipes! There really ought to be a law against such practices. Thankfully, though, I've avoided most of the customizing projects because... well... I'm not good for much else. Someone could try Torres in paja... um, medical ward garb from that one episode, but I've got these big ol' flare pants and sleeves that aren't good for much of anything. Plus, I'm not stacked like Torres, if you know what I mean. R: Can't they use you for parts, like individual arms and legs? MTP: Yeah, but most customizers go for the simple headswap kind of thing. There's not too many out there that go sanding and molding and stuff. There is one Bountyhunter out there that's a real terror to action figures everywhere, but luckily he's stayed away from me so far. R: If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be? MTP: I'd make myself a limited edition! Hell, look at all those other crappy figures. The only ones that are in demand are the ones that were made in low quantites. Red Data was a total screw-up, and yet he goes for hundreds of dollars and is prized by anyone who has him. Yet, Admiral McCoy, Picard as a Romulan, and Tarchannean LaForge, we're all damned because they made so many of us. No one wants us like they want those other limited edition figures. R: There also seems to be quite a bit of loathing out there for the limited editions. Picard from "Tapestry" is a good example of a limited figure that has received much vitriol over the years. MTP: Yes, but his secret is that he's *extremely* limited. Anyone who has him. loves him. Anyone who doesn't have him, hates him. He doesn't catch the crap from those who don't have him anyway, since he's so limited, so it's a win-win situation for him. R: Lastly, if you could be a pastry, what kind of pastry would you be and why? MTP: Oh... um... well, I wouldn't want to be an apple pie, that's for sure. That whole image has been ruined for me since that movie came out. Hmmm... That's a tough question. I guess I'd like to be a double fudge chocolate cake. And I'd like to be that because I'd like to know what it would be like to be eaten by Deanna Troi. Stay tuned for Part Two!